Expose.

Dear Blog,

I am so sorry that I have been neglecting you. But I'm back, and trying to squeeze in some posting whenever possible (which seems to be the wee hours of the morning lately). I must apologize dear web-log journal, which I created so lovingly. It seems with the start of the new semester I'm a little overwhelmed with schoolwork & new activities starting. It seems my old lazy habits are being tamed, and once again, the rigid comfort of structure is implementing itself into my everyday life. It's a nice feeling, and as much as I resent being stressed/overwhelmed, I learned last semester, that I thrive on structure. so....its good to be back. Let's see how long this motivation lasts.

I remember this time last year when I, and most of my peers, were in the midst of 'CollegeSearch08'. After talking to a few friends today, and reflecting (not so fondly), I am so glad I will never have to take the SAT again. I am also glad that I will never have to mail my entire life on paper to a bunch of strangers hoping they'll like me enough to say 'sure...come here if you want.' SO- I found a poem I wrote this time last year that just makes me so happy to be in a place that I love, knowing I won't have to go through the college gauntlet ever again. (High school seniors, you're almost there!! The payoff is so worth the hard work!)

12.3.2007.

I will tap dance on the desk of the Dean of Admissions. 

I will tap dance in Morse Code, 

tapping, 'Please accept me!! I hope you love me!!'

And with my arms outstretched, 

and my feet tapping in dots and dashes, 

I will smile, 

I WILL BEAM.

And any sensible person will say

'Who cares if she's not a minority student, 

and that she doesn't have a 4.3 GPA.

That one's a sparkler!'

And I'll jump off the desk and sing you the saddest song you've ever heard.

It might be in a different language,

but you'll still be sad.

...You might even cry.

I COULD MAKE YOU CRY!

(But you'll be grateful and find it cleansing.)

& You'll turn to your pretentious, prestigious colleagues,

seating in chairs of the finest mahogany.

And you'll say 'Well, she's not a varsity captain,

and her AP scores are mediocre at best

but this one--she's convincing.'

And maybe you'll wipe your tears away

and see less than star struck expressions.

...That's when I pull out my secret weapon.

I'll challenge every academic competitor of mine to a duel!

A duel of wit and banter.

And the bookworms will read and cram

and create pneumonic devices to master 'wit'

And the philosophers will muse,

'What is wit?

How does one duel with the intangibility of wit?'

But I'll just sit around and prepare for the duel 

that just might admit me to your school.

And I will annihilate the competition

with my exemplary vocabulary, impish humor, 

devilish way of thinking ironically. 

That's right!

I can trump them with words, interest, charisma. 

But will that do it?

Will that be enough?

Or will I have to master a test that takes five hours to complete?

Will I have to be some athletic prodegy?

Or travel to some far away land just to have experience with 'diversity'?

My eagerness only adds to my vulnerability in this situation.

And although trying to convince myself that the likelihood of success in this situation is something to be laughed at, I still can't help but shake the idea 

the dream

the utopian illusion from my day-dreaming and head-strong mind.

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing.

53 days until Spring....

Homework, Allen Ginsberg

If I were doing my Laundry I'd wash my dirty Iran

I'd throw in my United States, and pour on the Ivory Soap,
scrub up Africa, put all the birds and elephants back in
the jungle,
I'd wash the Amazon river and clean the oily Carib & Gulf of Mexico,
Rub that smog off the North Pole, wipe up all the pipelines in Alaska,
Rub a dub dub for Rocky Flats and Los Alamos, Flush that sparkly
Cesium out of Love Canal
Rinse down the Acid Rain over the Parthenon & Sphinx, Drain the Sludge
out of the Mediterranean basin & make it azure again,
Put some blueing back into the sky over the Rhine, bleach the little
Clouds so snow return white as snow,
Cleanse the Hudson Thames & Neckar, Drain the Suds out of Lake Erie
Then I'd throw big Asia in one giant Load & wash out the blood &
Agent Orange,
Dump the whole mess of Russia and China in the wringer, squeeze out
the tattletail Gray of U.S. Central American police state,
& put the planet in the drier & let it sit 20 minutes or an
Aeon till it came out clean

So it was a Kerouac week. If you've never read anything by Jack Kerouac, I'll happily translate that feeling for you. He's been one of my favorite writers for a while, and for whatever reason, the mood of my life (for last week, at least) has kind of taken on that of one of his books. & to personify what that's like, I've figured out a few characteristics that distinguish it. 

1. A lot of traveling, to places where I've never been before.

2. Meeting/traveling with new people.

3. Lack of sleep. presence of substances. enough said.

4. No definite itinerary, just the freedom to play things by ear.

5. Sheer spontaneity. 

(I need to update this more.)

oh, eight!

It's funny how New Year's Eve has changed in my mind.

The event itself has transformed through the years...

from thrilled min-parades with my cousins--banging pots and pans in the from yard, seeing our breath in front of us, almost as clearly as the sparklers in our hands. and the promise of a new  millenium...Then middle school happened, and there were basement dance parties wit sparkling cider, pixy stix, and hormonal raptures--excited to see what changes and social advancements would be made in the next year...Segue to high school, with the beginning of 'dress-up soirees', celebrating with friends and replacing sparkling cider with sparkling contraband, stolen from someone's parents, or something of the sort...But I'm beginning to realize that it's not the holiday that's changed me, just me. & my perspective. 

SO. this particular new year's eve, my perspective was one of cynicism. Upon reflection, I've realized that 2008 was a pretty jam packed year & that my life has changed significantly in a bunch of ways. I've been blessed with change, most of it good, and I feel like 09 may already be at a disadvantage. Or maybe I just don't like odd numbers... 

But regardless, I just figured I'd start at the very beginning (a very good place to start) and nostalgi-cise about what exactly went down this year, or transpired to make it so special...

The first picture of 2008. 

cue senioritis and teenage rebellion.

Oh yeah! Keep in mind, Mary Pat was pregnant 

& I was still an only child for the time being.

I tried skiing for the second first time. =)

This picture represents 'college search08'. This was about the time I decided against majoring in Musical Theater, and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Ironically, Chris and I would end up taking almost the same picture in October, when he came to visit me at Emerson.

Then this happened on March 6, 2008. And shocked everyone. It changed my life, just like Jake Revere did. Miss you darling.

St Patrick's day. mansion party. It made for a good story.

I spent so much time with this particular group of people. This picture is a result of too much stress, sleep deprivation, and an open costume room. 

Now entering the busiest 3 weeks of my life. 

42nd street!! April 10-12, 2008

& then THIS happened. a right of passage, of sorts...

The best moment of the year. without question

Sean James Smith, born April 22, 2008. 

My beautiful brother and I. 

He was born 3 days before my senior prom. 

oh, life. 

Senior Prom, April 25th.

ALSO, the day I found out I could go to Emerson, ending the college search!!

Choir trip to Chicago. May 1-4. One of the weirdest, dysfunctional weekends.

but still golden...

BUT i got to sing like THIS.

(oh yeah. i was in orchestra too. i dont have pictures of that.)

May 6th. My 18th birthday. 

My mom was still in the hospital. I got my tragus pierced. rad.

May 16th, Patriot Player's Talent Show, mem. Jake Revere.

This show kind of became my baby, & I was really proud of how it turned out.

Time for me to hand over the presidency. 

This montage makes me feel like Patriot Players was my whole life...

SENIORITIS. 

the only class I got an A in after skipping school and not doing ANYTHING.

NO MORE HIGH SCHOOL.

Graduation, June 18th.

oh yeah!! the torrential downpour that happened!!

(It makes for another good story.)

senior week.

Well I had friends. But now I have family. =)

A wonderful afternoon. 

Probably the best day of my summer. 

Penn's Landing with Kangda.

I got to spend time with 2 of my favorite people in the world.

& I had to start saying goodbye to things I wouldn't have in boston...

(insert picture of delilah, my beautiful 96 volvo)

Oh yeah!! I moved to the center of this beautiful city!

& I've met wonderful people, 

and been blessed with amazing friends.

I was a part of one of the best shows I've ever been in.

I watched history being made! & had one of the best nights since getting to school.

we'll skip to the holidays. this was rockefeller center, id never seen it before.

it ended the year with another first.

stay tuned for new years pictures, a quaint ending to a simply irreplaceable year. 

cheers to all. happy 09. =)