For Doylestown.

I wrote this in August and just recently found it in an old notebook. It made me laugh. Take it for what it is. 

Wawa.

It's gotten hard to see, but you know what you want. A voracious monster in your belly is yelling 'feed me!!' and since it's interrupting the thoughts in your head, you oblige.

Your tunnel vision & shuffling feet lead you to the ambient glow of the touch screen order menu and you grin on the inside (and probably the outside), thinking of your plans for the next 5 minutes: to scarf down as much food as you can carry. & you think to yourself, 

'what in the world can be better than this right

 now?'

2 spliffs and half a Radiohead album later it hits you.

'What could I possibly want more than a hurricane and a cheesesteak?'

Does my stomach even have that capacity?

I should be so lucky.

As your thoughts turn to dreams, dreamt deftly beats barrage your deconstructed mind 

and you knowingly lull to sleep.

Only to repeat the rebellious amusements you've adapted to.

So this is suburbia? So this is entertainment. 

Today

I've come to a few conclusions today. 

Listen!

1. Listen to the song 'you're only king once' by beulah. maybe you'll like it.

2. It's official. Miss Britney Spears is back.

3. Kangda Zhou will always be the ying to my yang. and the chop sticks to my fried rice.

4. The new Coldplay cd has some pretty good songs. but the new Coldplay EP is balllerrrrr.

5. Pennsylvania weather blows. Ice storms make everything look like Russian wilderness.

Happy Holidays to you.

Hope you're surrounded by love. 

=)

Listen to Milano by Sigur Ros when reading this.

Careening through coastal New England

over the grey mundane waters

parted like seas of red

reflecting our train.

Reflections of promise, possibility

Ambition not yet achieved.

We are bolting down the seacoast,

Majestic New England furrowing across the rippling hills 

and ridges of rock&circumstance

Connecticut unfurls herself

Allowing us to breach her borders

until we are a speeding bullet

with a final destination shot straight at the confederacy.

It's hard to forget where you are right now.

Maybe it;s the chill of the air

& its advance knowledge of how to subject you

to the dampness of toe-clenching December cold.

On the way, every square mile you pass looks like an oil painting of a landscape.

The famous kind that you would only find in a museum

with muddy hues that blend together.

It's so accurate, so honest.

Jaded nature, bodies of water. slate.

Endless walls of trees-bare, brown and coated with a thin glaze of precipitation

Ambiguous-not rain, not snow.

Just God's way of letting you know the earth is well-oiled 

& glistening all the way

And the hills!

Nowhere else in the country are the hills like this.

Providing characteristic to an otherwise blank slate on which to create humanity.

The steep ridge of hills in the horizon.

The promise ahead of you that there's something worth driving into. 

Or if you're even lucky to be peering off of that ridge,

you have the chartered insight to peer down at a mini-civilization

-the brick stacks and factories of a now archaic industrial city. '

-the white relief of middle-class houses stacked like monopoly pieces in the nook of a hill

Maybe the sun will come out

& you'll see a golden shine adhere itself to the view from your 3x4 foot box of a window

The taupe fields of reeds will develop a glisten as if to say thanks for the sunshine. 

And the sky.

The December-Connecticut-cotton-candy-sky. 

Reflection, New England

I had one of those 'alive' moments today. 

The kinda where you open your eyes and cannot express or explain the spontaneous excitement that you've suddenly acquired.

Where you feel like the only way you can live is spread apart,

   soaking up all the life you can

        like a 5-point star, vivacious

    with your face warmed by the heat of the sun,

& your own existence.

I've usually had these moments while doing things I've considered epic, or waiting with anticipation for them to occur.

-like driving next to an old friend, with all the windows down after a summer rain, blasting one of your  all-time favorite songs. 

-or sitting on a bus, on a most beautiful summer day, going through suburbia, en route to a reunion with a dear friend who makes you squeal with laughter.

These moments  almost always have a song I associate with each one. and they're always great songs. I've actually compiled mostly all of these songs into a playlist on my computer, entitled 'INFINITE' in big bold capital letters. 

But when I try, I usually cant even listen to it, (except for purposes of nostalgia and reflection.)

otherwise, I save it, as to not ruin the primary purpose of that collection of songs. 

Today that 'moment' came to me on a train.

A train from where I wanted to be--------to where I was going. 

It was nice though, because I had no cares. Just mindlessly watching a movie about big-screen death&destruction, when my gaze was caught by the beauty of my surroundings, the unapologetic fog and muted hues of soggy winter.

The moment started then. 

& yes, I had the perfect song to go with it. 

& a companion who was eager to hear my excitement.

These moments, I've concluded, are a beautiful & rare combination of very simple things:

-a generally good mood (stress free)

-appreciation of what's around you

-exciting events/impending plans

-good music. good company.

Upon returning from these epic moments, I often lapse into a humanist-loving nature and suddenly become a vigilante to save the natural beauty of our planet. I'm immediately an advocate against global warming. against deforestation. 

For that moment, the earth that I thought was so cognizant of, so in tune to,

for that moment, the earth around me appears in a new light. 

next post: i'll put up the poem I wrote while having my 'moment'. my fingers are just tired. thanks for reading. =)

The View

 

Any working-class schmuck can be sitting there, in that no-named tin can diner. 

They can be sitting there, haggard, wind-chapped faces half buried in an endless cracked mug of muddy coffee

      Maybe they're mentally reviewing that nagging list of to-do's or recalling the final score of the game they missed last night. 

& while they're exploring the doldrums of their everyday life 

                       it catches their eye.

that beautiful glistening view. 

         The shining, copper view will reflect in the glint of their tired, weary eyes, and 

     they'll stop. 

Put the crack mug down,

wiping the coffee sludge off their lip.

They'll continue to bask in the glow of the architectural wonder-

head in hands

chin resting on fists. 

7/4 (shoreline)

      So I was having an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. He was lucid with thoughts and ripe with raw emotions as he explained a catharsis he had just had. Apparently he was sitting in class and was overcome with thoughts of guilt. He began to reevaluate his entire reason for being here; his past, his future... And from what he told me, the only thing he really wanted to do was buy a plane ticket to Frankfurt, Germany. Yep, he wanted to flee the country to Europe. He had his bags all packed, passport ready. Mind reeling, etc.  Upon questioning, he could not justify or rationalize why he had such strong desires, but all he knew was that, at that point in time, he was not fulfilled. 

It was one of those points in time where you just become detached from your everyday routine; the monotony, the mental to-do list you're doing your best to combat, and you think 'what is it all for?' After talking to my friend for a while, he told me that the impetus for such a 'breakdown' was caused by feelings of guilt and inactivity. (i kinda sound like im analyzing him. maybe because ive been writing analysis essays all day. anyway....) 

After talking about it for a while, we realized that we had a lot of feelings in common:

Guilt. 

It's not easy for everyone to come to college, obviously. Some people slaved through Fafsa appeals forms, some worked 40 hours a week during the summer, some just gave their dad the tuition bill. Yet, everyone ended up in the same place; on an even keel. I am not subjectively saying that anyone deserves to be here more than anyone else. We're all here because we want to be, and arguably, because we deserve to be. The defining factor is what we do with our time spent here. My friend was fully aware of the sacrifices he and his family had made for him to be here. What got him going was the fact that he didn't feel fulfilled. He didn't feel like he was really utilizing his time here to learn, grow, etc. (I personally think he has a very well-minded head on his shoulders, but we're always our own toughest critic.) But instead of idly wasting the dollars spent on his education, he thought the best solution would be to pick up and leave.

 I sometimes have the same feelings. I'll wake up after sleeping through two classes, and having absolutely nothing to show for my day, and I'll think that I'm wasting whatever blessings and good fortunes have landed me here. Instead of traveling through Europe, I imagine joining the Peace Corps, and helping people that I would normally never even know were troubled, or existent for that matter.

Gratitude

After a few more minutes of discussing, and hashing out our feelings of guilt, I found a plausible solution to get me by. Instead of having feelings of guilt, I'm going to try to turn them to feelings of gratitude. I'm thankful for what has gotten me here, and it's up to me to see that I stay here, and succeed. At this point it's up to me to take what I'm learning/seeing/experiencing, and learn from it; growing from the experience. 

Example: Sometimes I feel guilty about not being with my family, or being close to them. But, I rationalize those feelings by saying that I'm supposed to be here, to learn, and prepare myself for a successful future. With the hope that I'll be self-sufficient, and make them proud of me in who I've become.

Pressure

My friend and I both agreed that we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Why the hell aren't we just doing our work, and having fun? Why are we stressing out about fulfillment, ambition, the future? Call me overly introspective, or a worrier, but sometimes, this is on my mind. And my friend showed me that it's not just me. But, it's not worth freaking out about, and irrationally trying to flee the country, after having a self-actualizing revelation. That won't get you very far... Maybe in a different country, thinking 'Shit. I should've thought this out....' So, I think we ended it by saying that we're going to try to find a happy medium, a healthy balance, etc. This is college. Have a blast!! (Don't mind if I do) But, at the same time, I have to keep that thought in the back of my mind, the 'Do what you came here to do!' mentality. Hopefully, somewhere in the next four years, I'll find that balance, but right now, I'm just glad that I've realized the duality of where I am, and what I'm doing here. 

Cause I wonder sometimes

About the outcome

Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?

Milk.

      So, as a way to procrastinate, my friend Alex and I decided to go on an adventure over the Charles River to the only movie theater in the city that was showing the movie, Milk. It was completely worth it. I feel like it was one of those 'wow' movies. The kind where you just sit through the ending credits, because you have to take a few minutes to collect yourself, and while you're completely mesmerized all you can say is 'wow'.

Yeah. It was one of those movies.

     I had pretty high expectations for it initially, but I'm no film major, not even a huge movie buff. I just like em. And I liked this one. The style of the movie was just really cool, for lack of a better term. It took place in the seventies, so the camera filter made it seem kind of grainy and dated. Also, throughout the movie, original pictures and film clips are shown, and after a while I didn't even realize the difference between the two. I feel like it just proved how accurate the movie was as far as portraying the city of San Francisco, and the time itself. 

     I think it was really clear that Sean Penn spent so much time and brain power studying this man, and it really showed. I didn't know what Harvey Milk was like, or how to compare him, but it was clear that he had even the smallest idiosyncracies-voice, mannerisms, whatever-totally down. Also, I liked comparing the James Franco in Pineapple Express to the James Franco in this movie. High-larious contrast, pun intended. But I think my favorite person in the movie was Emile Hirsch's character. First of all, when I think of Emile Hirsch, I think the Girl Next Door, or Alpha Dog. He's definitely not that guy anymore. He did a great job as Cleve Jones, and he was hilarious throughout most of the movie, but always in an appropriate way. 

      But now that I'm thinking about it, the whole movie just did what I wanted it to do. I wanted to be informed about this guy, Harvey Milk, because I didn't know anything about him. I wanted to be entertained, and I definitely was. I was captivated. And I wanted to be inspired, which is basically the key to my heart. From a political standpoint, I learned alot about the power of charisma, as well as having the guys to be an advocate for something. I don't want to sound corny, but it definitely inspired me about successful politics, because that's what a good part of the movie is based on. 

      The only criticism I would have about it is the 'pro-gay propaganda', or kind of, how they portrayed those in opposition of the gay moment. Not like I agree with these people, or am opposed to gay rights (hah, not at all actually), but characters like Anita, and the senator were kind of portrayed as villains. Not to try and condone them or anything, I feel like it just got a little melo-dramatic. 

Go see it. 

I think you'll like it.

And if you have seen it, and you didn't like it, this is just me rambling. you dont have to agree.  kbye. 

Adaptation

    It seems I've had a revelation today. 

On a walk back to my dorm from Newbury Street I decided to take the scenic route through the Public Garden. While thinking about final exams, and trying to overcome some shopper's guilt I was feeling, I was suddenly stopped by a stranger and asked to take a picture of a cute little family. Two little kids, a mom, and a dad. I happily obliged, as I was glad to help capture their Saturday afternoon in the park. 

I continued on my way, pulling my scarf a little tighter, as I'm continually learning the true meaning of winter in Boston. As I crossed over the bridge above the duck pond I saw another group of people gathering around a small patch of grass. A handful of tourists were provoking some squirrels. Big deal. But they seemed to be thoroughly entertained by this. hmmm.

     After crossing the street (on a do not walk signal), I made my way into the common and again, saw another group of tourists, younger this time, provoking and playing with three squirrels. The entire park was overflowing with families and friends, jovial and conversational, enveloped in the blustery air and enjoying their day in the city. 

     It got me to thinking. Less than a six months ago, this was me. The tourist who took day trips to the city and was absolutely thrilled with the excitement, (for a limited time only). Even when I first came to Emerson, I was captivated, overwhelmed, and awe-struck with the environment that I would be prospectively living in for the next four years. Yet, somewhere between then and now, I've adapted. So has everyone that moved here in September. and it's really not that surprising, just a gradual adjustment from foreign surroundings to normalcy. 

      it was just something i was thinking about. how quickly we can adapt to completely unfamiliar territory and make it our own. 

Sorry if this wasn't very eloquent. I'll try harder next time.

That's the procrastination talking.

December

Every year I become more and more excited for the holidays. I can't tell you why, but I never used to be that into it. Alas, last year that all changed, and now I gladly welcome it as soon as I help clear the dishes of the Thanksgiving dinner table. 

This year, however, I am lucky and blessed to be in a new city for the holidays; with new surroundings and dear friends that I am equally lucky&blessed to have. I'm so excited to see the city all lit up in the coming weeks. I think it will do a pretty great job about diverting my attention from projects and final exams. I cant wait for snow, finding the perfect gifts for my fam & drinking starbucks out of the red holiday cups (mmm the best). 

I'm currently putting off all of my work by sitting in my bed, listening to my roommate's all-star Christmas carol cd, getting ready to decorate our room.

But, I have to close with this. Since Thanksgiving I have heard Jingle Bell rock over 5 times. I'm already sick of it. That's all.