So I got in my first car accident this week. I'm totally fine, and Delilah only has a broken turn-signal light on her front left side, but I guess it counts as an accident. Ironically, I wrote the following prose two days before my accident. Life's funny like that, right?
Freedom
I am lumbering forward, onto worn asphalt that is a rural quilt of patches and scrapes. Steam is rising from the ancient road, recovering from an early-summer deluge that preceded my ride by a few hours. I am passing through familiar, bucolic countryside that has since prepared for its nightly slumber. I show no regard to my inky still surroundings, and I disrupt the black night with the two beams of light emanating from the front of my ride. With the windows down, loud and fast music wafts into the night. I know I'm instigating an awakening--albeit a brief one, yet I show no regret, or cause for concern. I am preoccupied with my own dissatisfaction. With a cigarette in my left hand, and my fell phone in my right, I manage to fumble the wheel in the right general direction, using my knees, and the car's intuition to do the rest. No, this is not safe. But that's never been my biggest priority. At this moment, I am deep in thought.
Some people have their designated nook or cranny in the world, where they can go and allow their mind to diffuse, or mull over something. My place just happens to be on wheels. It acts as a place for travel, for recreation, for 'business meetings', and as an occasional cure for boredom.
At this point in time, it is helping me to solve my most recent self-inflicted problem, loneliness. For some reason, I've been stricken by a dampening mood, and no desire to see anyone. Paradoxically, I am sad because of my solidarity. You could call this self-induced discontentment. I would prefer to call it PMS.
I go through the mental motions of restless, nostalgic, self-doubting, and plain gloomy. I feel the best solution would be to drive, with no destination. I have an immediate desire to get lost. Maybe the land of the unfamiliar will cure me of my current funk. Or maybe it will scare me out of my adolescent ho-hummings, and make me thankful to get back to familiar terrirory; counting my blessings as I safely close my front door behind me at the end of my adventure. At this point, either outcome is possible. I'm not planning the now that's unfurling itself before my four wheels. Rather, I'm just auto-piloting through silent territories of countryside, pioneering a trail to my own mind's content.
3 comments:
Micaeli! when you're having one of your lonely moods i'll cruise with you! i think loneliness is the theme of summers home from college. we're used to having people our age around us 24/7 to talk to and now where confined to a house with approximately 2 or three other people who are not our best friends. we're only 2 minutes away from eachother, we should fix this loneliness thing going on!
I know that self-inflicted problem, it hurts. It's like, in your mind you know that you have plenty of people you could call up & they'd be more than happy to hang out, but you just don't feel like it. And therefore become more lonely. My nook(s) or cranny(s) to think during these times would be at the piano (where I merely pound out minor chords), a walk down the train tracks (preferably in the rain), or a sit outside the 2nd story bathroom window, on the roof, at night. I try to pray, but I usually can't find the words (& when that happens, I take comfort in the fact that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us & translates our groaning into prayer. it's like when the Israelites were in slavery in Egypt... God heard their groaning & was concerned about them & got them out of there [exodus 2:23-24... http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=2&chapter=2&verse=22&end_verse=24&version=31&context=context]
LOVE.
Micaeli hihowareyouwhatisup I remembered the name of your blog woohoo
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