It was one of those points in time where you just become detached from your everyday routine; the monotony, the mental to-do list you're doing your best to combat, and you think 'what is it all for?' After talking to my friend for a while, he told me that the impetus for such a 'breakdown' was caused by feelings of guilt and inactivity. (i kinda sound like im analyzing him. maybe because ive been writing analysis essays all day. anyway....)
After talking about it for a while, we realized that we had a lot of feelings in common:
Guilt.
It's not easy for everyone to come to college, obviously. Some people slaved through Fafsa appeals forms, some worked 40 hours a week during the summer, some just gave their dad the tuition bill. Yet, everyone ended up in the same place; on an even keel. I am not subjectively saying that anyone deserves to be here more than anyone else. We're all here because we want to be, and arguably, because we deserve to be. The defining factor is what we do with our time spent here. My friend was fully aware of the sacrifices he and his family had made for him to be here. What got him going was the fact that he didn't feel fulfilled. He didn't feel like he was really utilizing his time here to learn, grow, etc. (I personally think he has a very well-minded head on his shoulders, but we're always our own toughest critic.) But instead of idly wasting the dollars spent on his education, he thought the best solution would be to pick up and leave.
I sometimes have the same feelings. I'll wake up after sleeping through two classes, and having absolutely nothing to show for my day, and I'll think that I'm wasting whatever blessings and good fortunes have landed me here. Instead of traveling through Europe, I imagine joining the Peace Corps, and helping people that I would normally never even know were troubled, or existent for that matter.
Gratitude
After a few more minutes of discussing, and hashing out our feelings of guilt, I found a plausible solution to get me by. Instead of having feelings of guilt, I'm going to try to turn them to feelings of gratitude. I'm thankful for what has gotten me here, and it's up to me to see that I stay here, and succeed. At this point it's up to me to take what I'm learning/seeing/experiencing, and learn from it; growing from the experience.
Example: Sometimes I feel guilty about not being with my family, or being close to them. But, I rationalize those feelings by saying that I'm supposed to be here, to learn, and prepare myself for a successful future. With the hope that I'll be self-sufficient, and make them proud of me in who I've become.
Pressure
My friend and I both agreed that we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Why the hell aren't we just doing our work, and having fun? Why are we stressing out about fulfillment, ambition, the future? Call me overly introspective, or a worrier, but sometimes, this is on my mind. And my friend showed me that it's not just me. But, it's not worth freaking out about, and irrationally trying to flee the country, after having a self-actualizing revelation. That won't get you very far... Maybe in a different country, thinking 'Shit. I should've thought this out....' So, I think we ended it by saying that we're going to try to find a happy medium, a healthy balance, etc. This is college. Have a blast!! (Don't mind if I do) But, at the same time, I have to keep that thought in the back of my mind, the 'Do what you came here to do!' mentality. Hopefully, somewhere in the next four years, I'll find that balance, but right now, I'm just glad that I've realized the duality of where I am, and what I'm doing here.
Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life
Am I living it right?
1 comment:
I had a realization like this over the summer. I wrote myself a note...possibly a blog to myself? But I asked myself when I was going to stop making excuses for myself-when was my age not going to be an excuse for my behavior. Ever since then, I've had guilt over those feelings for obviously letting them down. I see guilt and selfishness in a similar boat. Or maybe that the latter leads to the former By any means, I think you come to a satisfactory conclusion. Perhaps it is the analysis' that you've been writing, but you are a finely tuned person miss Rourke, and I think that you are more than able to see through the main issues you pointed out-being guilt, gratitude, pressure, and ultimately implied-purpose. So I think you should keep on going. Your purpose has lead you here-and in the humble opinion of this narrator, I have to believe that this is where you belong.
A side note. A good friend of mine once explained that the best cure for selfishness is simply giving. 'tis the season...
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